you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dignity is for republicans.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
