i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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