Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
