I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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