Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
