i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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