is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
