I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
