No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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