you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
