Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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