just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My cat gives me a boner
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Randomize
