obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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