you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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