Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
