Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I am naked and annoyed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Never underestimate the power of titties
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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