Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
