I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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