Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
