oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I love you. Go after that dick
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