how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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