Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
