Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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