I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?