dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's rum buckets o'clock
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death