I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
