if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
