M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
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I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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