In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i now understand why vodka
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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