Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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