allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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