How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
