maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
