gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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