It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
