God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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