I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
