life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
