im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
