I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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