this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
