First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
