take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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