You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
