shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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