you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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