you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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