i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
