A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
