i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
