oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
