I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
