I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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