I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to calm my uterus...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
