piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
