it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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