mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's just like the Real World with babies
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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