Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
