Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
